IFHMLP
by OtherW
Summary: A parody of My Little Pony. Take it as you will.


Chapter One: Intro

"Who do you think is the dumbest slut in this shitty town?" One stallion asked to another.

"Dude, what the fuck. That's a really offensive term." The other replied. He was a disgusting green color with yellow hair or whatever the fuck the ponies have. Manes? Fuck.

"What is? Slut? Is there a better way to describe our matriarchal overlords?" The other pony asked back. He was a fiery red color, his mane orange, I guess.

"Dude…you're being really misogynistic right now." The green pony replied uneasily. He looked around nervously, he didn't want his balls get to chopped off.

"Yes, I know, Tossed Cookies." The angry red pony said to his…uh…friend. "But don't you feel the urge to be that way when we have absolutely no fucking power?"

"Dude, please stop swearing. You're making me feel nauseous." Tossed Cookies put a hoof up to his mouth.

"You always feel nauseous!" The red pony almost yelled. "Your goddamn name…oh, I mean, your CELISTIALDAMN name…jesus fuck…is TOSSED COOKIES! You were destined to feel sick when you were fucking born! Is there not something wrong here?"

"Dude, please quiet down. I feel like throwing up when you yell so loudly." Tossed Cookies frowned.

"Oh my god. Am I the only man in this shit town that feels so utterly powerless?" The red pony clutched his head.

"What are you talking about, dude?" Tossed Cookies asked.

"STOP CALLING ME DUDE!" The red pony yelled. "I have a name! It's…you no what, no, fuck my name."

"Are you high…man?"

"No. It's just I've realized…I think I've made a startling realization." The red pony stopped walking and sat, his eyes flashing around neurotically. "Our names…we're all a bunch of slaves, aren't we?"

"What?"

"We're given these stupid fucking names:" The red pony gestured in the air. "Lyra Heartstrings, Tossed Cookies…"

"Hey, I like my name."

"…Jesus you are a stupid fuck." The red pony shook his head and resumed his list. "…Applebloom, Twilight Sparkle…"

"I don't think you should insult Twilight Sparkle…" Tossed Cookies said nervously.

"That's EXACTLY FUCKING IT!" The red pony practically screamed. Even though Tossed Cookies had made sure to guide the red pony away from prying ears, this latest scream was able to ring through the town without a problem. "We're stuck in a FUCKING FUCKED UP SYSTEM! THESE BULLSHIT NAMES, THESE BULLSHIT SYMBOLS ON OUR ASSES…"

Tossed Cookies glanced down at his own cutie mark which was a playful image of cookies being spilled out of a tin.

"AND THE PART WHERE HALF OF THE POPULATION HAS _NO FUCKING POWER!_" The red pony's screams rung up into the heavens. It was a good thing that everyone in town happened to be wearing ear plugs at that time as some part of retarded party that pink bitch was hosting.

"Dude…" Tossed Cookies started.

"Do not mistake me, Cookies," The red pony interrupted. "I am all for equality— and that means equality between men and women, not whatever this bullshit is."

"I think it was just coincidence that…" Tossed Cookies tried to explain.

"No! NO!" The red pony screamed in response. "That all of our gods are women? That the chosen fucking six are women? That everyone in power in this town is a woman?"

"Not everyone…" Tossed Cookies tried to start.

"You're so damn naïve it makes me want to cry until my body runs out of liquids and I FUCKING DIE!" The red pony ended with a desperate shriek. "There's a conspiracy happening here. Something is _wrong._ I'm going to get to the bottom of this."

"Dude…" Tossed Cookies shook his head.

"I'm beginning a revolution. Fuck this world, fuck everyone in it. Fuck me for participating in this shit up until this point! I'm tearing it all down!" The red pony raised a hoof. "I swear…I will not end this crusade until this world is reborn or I'm dead!"

"What do you even mean by reborn…?" Tossed Cookies asked.

"This is the beginning of my war." The red pony said bravely. "And I will begin by changing my name: Burning Rage!"

"You should change your name to Large Ham, dude." Tossed Cookies shrugged.

"I'm going to kick your ass once I get the chance, but I have much bigger targets to take down right now." Burning Rage somehow crossed his two front hoofs like a human, even though he was an animal. It's a cartoon, bitch.

"What do you mean?" Tossed Cookies asked nervously.

"You know who I'm talking about." Burning Rage grinned. "You know."

* * *

**Author's Notes: Gosh I'm new to fanfiction, please review :D**


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